A new FLGS opened close by our house a few weeks ago, and I’m very happy to have found another store to browse.

According to this forum and RPG Blog II, Professor Dave Arneson’s cancer has unexpectedly worsened this week and he is now hospitalized.

David’s cancer has unexpectedly worsened just this week, to the point that he is in the hospital. He is heavily sedated and not doing well. He is not expected to live for more than a couple days, if that long.

Dave’s family is asking for peace and quiet in this difficult time and that no attempts for further contact be made, nor any gifts sent at this time. As you can see the prognosis is not good, however our thoughts and prayers go out to Mr. Arneson and his loved ones.

If ever there was a time to fire off some good thoughts, it is now!

You know the problem with the kids these days? They don’t know what difficult is! Back when I was a kid playing videogames, and some of you were probably teenagers playing videogames, probably some of you were even 20-somethings playing videogames (what the hell was wrong with you back then?), good god is this sentence long enough for you yet? Anyway, back when I was a kid playing videogames, we had games that were insanely difficult yet somehow still incredibly fun. Some of the best examples are games like Ghosts’n’Goblins, Battletoads, Contra, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Ninja Gaiden, Metroid, and of course one of my all-time favorites…Mega Man!

Back in July of 2008 I was practically floored by the announcement that Capcom was putting out a new Mega Man game, most importantly that they were calling it Mega Man 9 and it was going to use the same graphics as the original NES games. I was really excited by the prospect of a new retro-Mega Man game that would perfectly recreate the feelings I had when I was younger but with totally new content. The game was released in September 2008 as a download for the Wii, X-Box 360, and the PS3 and has since gotten numerous excellent reviews and been nominated for several awards including ‘Best WiiWare Game’ and ‘Best Platforming Game’. I think all of that is complete, and utter, bull shit.

Admittedly I did not play Mega Man 9 for very long, the first level alone was enough to make me want to kill babies. I read some reviews that praised its retro look and claimed it was every bit as difficult as the original games, these are damned lies. The game may be “as difficult” as the old games, but it’s not the right kind of difficulty. I’m sure some of you are thinking it, and believe me I cringed at the very hint of it, that I have simply gotten rusty and that this game was punishing me like a pimply freshman in gym class. Nay, I say to you, that is not the case.

My wife, angelic messenger that she is, has purchased for me a great number of gaming fineries in our time together. Possibly the best of which was the port of Mega Man X (the first one for the Super Nintendo) for the PSP, titled Maverick Hunter X, which is almost an exact recreation of the SNES game. Let me tell you, I may have been able to play the guitar or the recorder in middle school at some point but those skills might as well be gone to some cave in north korea, however when I found myself at the helm of the blue bomber on the PSP, the muscle-memory had only been sharpened with age like the razor sharp edge of an sharp executioner’s sharp axe. Possibly even as much so as a picture of said witty executioner printed from a Sharp printer, covered in vicious razor blades!

Suffice to say, my skills had not dulled, so something had to be wrong with the game. What I ended up pondering was the difference between a game that’s artfully difficult and a game that is simply painfully difficult. An excellent example of artful difficulty is the classic disappearing block timing puzzles that appeared predominately in the first two Mega Man games. When you entered the room you were initially shocked by seemingly random blocks appearing and disappearing in mid-air with some super sweet sound effects accompanying them, but after a few moments you began to notice the pattern of jumping that the blocks were spelling out to you. As you progressed, you no doubt fell a couple of times, but you knew the secret to the puzzle and with a little bit of time and determination you could get passed it relatively easily.

In contrast, an example of painful difficulty is when something is just plain hard and there is no real secret to figuring it out. You can spend five minutes trying it or three hours and it’s still just as hard. Mega Man 9 is pretty much infected with this kind of difficulty, right from the very beginning you can see a certain lack of polish that the other games had is missing from this one. I even played the game a couple of times, spread out over a few months each time, to see if my opinion changed and it hasn’t so far. I’ll probably go back and try to play it again, this time trying really hard to not suck and die a thousand times over.

I actually feel that many of the classic NES games I listed above dance precariously close to the edge between these two types of difficulty. Contra, BattleToads, TMNT, and Ghosts’n’Goblins in particular are all exceedingly hard and can pretty quickly become less fun than they are painful. Ninja Gaiden, Metroid, and Mega Man all top my list as well balanced games that provide challenge while still remaining quite fun. Then again, I could just be a pansy…

Tonight was the finale of our all-bard D&D session. We were graced by many hilarious events, which included a drop-in by Dave The Game from Critical Hits. Skype is a wonderful thing, and I really appreciated Dave stopping in!

Below you will find a continuation of my tweet-stream from yesterday. WARNING: OFFENSIVE CONTENT BELOW.

Golden Harvest Music Festival: The Saga Continues

OK, we have started D&D Round 2 of our game. They wake up, eat “bacon and funnel cake” and are now fighting a flaming hippy. Yes, really.

The other hippies have now lit on fire. Our two bards have vowed to never play this festival again.

The burning hippies now smell like burning hair and feet.

Still fighting burning hippies, which have now been reduced to burning skeletons.

The hippy knapsacks hold three small bags of acrid looking weed, 120 gp, some cloaks, and a picture of someone who looks like @DaveTheGame.

@geeksdreamgirl is beating @stupidranger in the “Most Enemies Killed” contest. They’re arguing about this now, just like Goliaths should.

This is the only time in history where calling your wife a Goliath isn’t going to result in multiple spiral fractures of your skeleton.

“That’s a pretty lame talent. My talent is kicking ass.” –@geeksdreamgirl

The original talent was @stupidranger ‘s belching.

We are now taking a campaign break in order to have Spring Funfetti Cake. Mmm… cake. The girls are calling it “+5 cakefetti of funness”

@geeksdreamgirl is graphically explaining to me a penis cake pan that a friend of hers had. Seasonal penis cakes, at that.

Now they’re trying to find @DaveTheGame in this crowd. Why must they latch on to this useless bit of flavor? Now I have to roleplay Dave.

I have cast @DaveTheGame as the hippy’s drug dealer, and the girls just said “we should tell him his weed is giving people flaming boners.”

Also, in case anyone is curious: @DaveTheGame is apparently the hunkiest man in the RPG Blogosphere.

Now we’re discussing the other men in the RPG Blogosphere. Apparently its good to be Yax.

“We got tingly britches looking @DaveTheGame ” -@geeksdreamgirl

@DaveTheGame just joined us via Skype

Referring to the food vendor: “Were you all over his bacon?” @stupidranger: “No, I was just in it for the funnel.”

“Is this bacon funnel cake vegetarian?” -@DaveTheGame

Now they are discussing the new information provided by @DaveTheGame. I think they’re going to try to Diplomacy some other NPC into bed.

They’ve decided to name their group “The Horny Bitches”.

They want you all to know that their bards play horns. And they are bitches.

@stupidranger : “We’re going to share a teabag.”

Oh good, now they’re re-enacting the iocaine powder scene of Princess Bride over their cups of tea.

Cassini is almost dead, so hopefully we’ll return to our scheduled session soon.

They’ve sweet-talked their way on stage with their nemesis’s big show tonight. Little do they know its going to be crazy. Mwhahaha.

“I love my horn, but I don’t spoon it at night.” That one was a joint effort between both @stupidranger and @geeksdreamgirl.

They’re grilling Jekk’s wife, who tells them a sordid tale about some elders that commissioned him for the show and didn’t show up to watch.

Now they’re finally connecting some of the plot dots, I love it when a plan comes together!

Now they’re proposing offering him a lesbian threesome in order to lure Jekk into a position where they can steal his magic lute.

My mistake, it would be a foursome because they aim to include Jekk’s wife. Fantastic.

Oh good, now they’re coming up with a more reasonable plan. That’s good.

Jekk just unleashed a void full of demons, to cleanse and punish the chaotic crowd as he was instructed to do.

Now @geeksdreamgirl is aiming to destroy the magical lute that is holding the rift open.

One of the roadies is throwing in to help them fight the Big Bads

They’re having a discussion about Bobo the Invisible One-Eyed Bear and how @geekdreamgirl ‘s character should love him during the battle.

Woooo! @stupidranger just critted him in his face!

They have won the day and destroyed the evil bard/galeb duhr in disguise!

And they destroyed the lute, sucking all of the bad demons back to the plane from whence they came!

*cue victory music and roll credits*

We began our short “for fun” campaign tonight, and e from Geek’s Dream Girl and Stupid Ranger did not disappoint. Since we don’t have a Twitter appliance installed yet, I would like to share some of the excerpts from our first night of adventure.

The Background

We have Toccata and Fugue, twin Goliath sisters. They are bards, play trumpets, and have multiclassed themselves as silly as possible at 5th level. They are ultra-competitive, which only adds to the relative insanity.

The campaign takes place at a remote Woodstock-like music festival, where a major act is headlining and the throngs of people that have shown up are drunk and in a party mood.

The following excerpts are from my Twitter, in chronological order for readability’s sake.

The Tweets

WARNING: Some content may be inappropriate. You have been warned.

“OK, we’ve got two Goliath Bards that were orphans raised by dwarves. One can summon a spirit bear with one eye named Bobo. What next?”

“We’re both big, so we need big… implements.” -e

“And I keep my holy symbol of Moradin between my tits.” -e

“The dwarves, they may not have the length but they certainly have the girth.” -e

“Dwarven girls can handle the girth, but just can’t stand the length” -e

“Do I hear screams of excitement, or …… excitement? -stupidranger

And now we’re discussing breast augmentation creams and now they would work in D&D.

“Barf is more potent than beer because it has stomach acid.” -e

Now I’m being asked the average penis length for a half-elf. Anyone know?

Now we’re fighting some ghouls. They’re mocking the ghoul’s bandana.

Thank God, this session is over for the night. Time to replenish material and rest my weary psyche.

A Cautionary Tale? Hardly!

As you can see, we had some fun. Despite all of the roleplay time, the two of them made it a fair way through my prepared content so I feel like it was a rousing success! As you can see, not much effort was made to constrain their desire to roleplay and be as crazy, and we still managed to progress the plot.

I think it was a pretty good attempt at a campaign in the style I discussed yesterday, I highly recommend you give this type of not-too-serious campaigning a try!

This week, StupidRanger Central West is hosting the one, the only e. from Geek’s Dream Girl! She’s here to work with Stupid Ranger on their upcoming book project, but in their “off hours” we are going to play a week-long irreverent campaign featuring bards. Two of them. Goliaths, in fact.

How to play in an irreverent campaign

Judging from the loud laughing and excited talking from the other room, this campaign is going to be a treat. I’ve already been interrupted once to be asked if they can have a ornery goat as a pet, and they’re talking about playing their characters as mentally disturbed.

It looks like this campaign is going to be none-too-serious!

Here’s some tips for DMing a campaign of this calibre:

1. Create exceeding amounts of local color.

   Characters, the city or venue they are in, even ridiculous buildings or rituals can provide a good backdrop when players want to have fun.

2. Let them be a little unbalanced.

   I decided to let the two of them select a few magic items that they would like to have, and level up to 5th level. Reasons are twofold: people focus on roleplaying more when they’re not fretting over having a 3rd level songblade, and I hate lower level campaigning! Fighting wolves or goblins can only go on for so long, this lets me throw some things that are fun for me at them. Hey, even the DM is entitled to have a little fun too!

3. Keep it fun, stupid!

   The whole point of an irreverent campaign is to have a good time. Throw ridiculous events or circumstances at the players, present them with a rich opportunity for roleplay and some combat.

   The general rule of thumb is:
   If everyone is laughing and having a good time, you’re doing it right!

I’m off to research if they make chastity belts large enough for Goliaths now! More on these strange events tomorrow!

Monday marks the release of the Open Game Table Anthology.  As an assistant editor on this project, I have had the great opportunity to read this collection, and there’s a lot of good in here!

We here at Stupid Ranger were recently fortunate enough to recieve a review copy of a brand spankin’ new DS game! And then I got busy at work and my kid got sick and then two weeks later I realize oh noes I have not done my review yet! Vanir sorry. Please excuse me while I rectify this situation.

Blue Dragon Plus is the direct sequel to Blue Dragon, a game that came out here in the States in late 2007 on the Xbox 360. Unfortunately, I’d never played Blue Dragon before, and it would have been a big help. Blue Dragon Plus plops you down right in the middle of things from the very start. You get a vague paragraph as each character appears about what they did in the previous game, but it’s all to the effect of “helped out to defeat Nene”. I felt like I was supposed to know more than I did to get what was happening, and that if I had played the original I would be perfectly comfortable.

The game’s visuals didn’t appeal to me much at first. Not that they looked terrible, far from it. The style in which the characters were drawn seemed somewhat kiddy, which put me off at first. (Which is weird for me, considering how many cartoons I watch.) I got the same impression at first from some of the characters, most notably Marumaro. I think maybe I was expecting something else.

The screenshots I’d seen made this look like a turn-based strategy game like Final Fantasy Tactics. It was a bit jarring at first when I discovered everything worked like that, but in realtime. I was having a lot of trouble figuring out how to keep track of my characters and make them move sensibly.

Admittedly, it took some willpower to get me through those first few minutes. And here’s my advice about Blue Dragon Plus: don’t give up on it too easily!

A few battles later, I’d discovered the buttons that select all your characters and figured out how to work the camera. There’s also a very helpful map on your top screen if you can’t find one of your guys. The game isn’t so much big on overt tutorials (the ones it does give are a little confusing), but what it is good at is putting you in situations where you learn the skills you need as you go. For instance, I got tossed into a really fun battle where four robots with different strengths and weaknesses attack all at once, and that helped me learn the individual capabilities of my party members.

I was very pleased to see that there are things to do on the battlefield besides beat people up. There are things on the battlefield to interact with that get used either in combat or as puzzles. For instance, I had to move one of my characters to a lever that controlled the flow of steam from a pipe, and then use my other characters to goad a bad guy into the steam to disable him. I really enjoyed that, it sets this game apart in my mind from your standard FIGHT MAGIC HEAL dynamic used in so many RPGs over the years.

The story also started getting better as I got through the game a little. I personally have trouble giving a crap about a story unless I get invested in the characters. Let’s just say until my robot friend is turned back from the dark side and we’re playing awesome robo-baseball back at the castle, I won’t be putting this game down anytime soon.

VISUALS: 7/10
As I said before, the characters seem a little kiddy at first but you get used to them fast. Most everything is 2d sprites on top of 3d backgrounds, which works really well on the DS. I’ve hated this before on larger screens because it looks weird, but smaller it seems to blend well. Nothing blew my socks off but it’s a good looking game. (And if you’re into cutscenes, this game will NOT disappoint you.)

MUSIC: 8/10
It’s Nobuo Uematsu. Of course the music is good. Prepare for it to be stuck firmly in your head.

GAMEPLAY: 8/10
High learning curve at first, almost frustrating enough to make me quit. Glad I didn’t! Non-combat objectives make me very happy.

STORY: 7/10
Admittedly, I’m not all the way through the game yet. But it’s keeping my interest, and the aforementioned non-combat objectives during battle help drive the story home for me.

OVERALL: 7/10
Yeah, I know the scores don’t average. It’s my review, I can do it however I want!
Basically what we have here is a good RPG that I’m a bit worried people are going to overlook. I wouldn’t wait in line out in front of Gamestop all night to pick this one up, but would I like to have this with me at the airport for 2d4 hours in between crappy airline snacks and flight delays? You bet.

Here’s a little widget with some Blue Dragon Plus stuff on it if you’d like to learn more about the game. Of special interest is the “Characters” button, which would have saved me from all sorts of confusion at the beginning.

Today is the big day! In addition to being my birthday (woot!), it is the auspicious release day for the Player’s Handbook 2! Today, I’m going to outline my favorite parts.

Favorite Race: Goliath

As I mentioned Saturday, I really like the Goliath. Not a popular pick, I know… but their strong, competitive, daring nature really paints a picture of an authentic natural addition to the D&D racial fold. These guys (and gals) exude the confidence that only those bred for a fighting lifestyle possess. There’s a lot to like about this class, their Stone’s Endurance (basically, stoneskin) racial ability is great.

I am very impressed with the color and detail provided within the pages of the Races section of the PHB2. The authors did an excellent job of painting a very clear portrait of each class, as well as selecting compelling racial abilities that make for some exciting character choices.

Favorite Racial Paragon Path: Scion of Arkhosia

As part of the process of reviewing the PHB2, I rolled up a Dragonborn Sorcerer named Ash (original name, I know). I hadn’t really explored the Dragonborn race prior to this, however my interest was buoyed by the Scion of Arkhosia racial paragon path.

The neat thing about this paragon path is it lets you improve the areas of your Dragonborn heritage that were fixed when you entered the larger world. Over time, your dragon breath becomes a powerful area of effect attack, and later gains the ability to cling to your enemies and consume them. The coolest path feature is Dragon Wings. That’s right… you gain the ability to fly equal to your speed as a movement action. Thankfully, the wings are only strong enough for one movement worth of flight… I can tell you from experience that extended flight is disruptive.

Favorite Class: Bard!

I’m not just saying this because it made Stupid Ranger the happiest girl on the block, I truly like the changes they’ve made to the bard. They’re funcitonal, powerful, and truly fill the Leader role that they deserve.

The addition of songblades and other bardic instruments really add some interest. As I was reading through the Bard chapter, all I could think about was reincarnations of Bat Loaf running around singing Slayer’s Song to inspire his allies to greater rock while he layed down significant amounts of pwnage.

So go get it already!

I was excited about this book before I got the opportunity to preview it, and if I hadn’t been afforded this rare opportunity I would be at Border’s tomorrow buying one. If you’re still sitting on the fence, check out the additional coverage at our RPGBlogger pals: Atomic Array, Game Cryer, Gnome Stew, Critical Hits, Campaign Mastery, Uncle Bear, Critical Ankle Bites, Kobold Quarterly, The Core Mechanic, Flames Rising, and Musings of the Chatty DM.

We also had the opportunity to participate in a fun PHB2 Roundtable over at Critical Hits, so be sure to check that out!

Last year at Gen Con, I decided to buy a copy of Watchmen by Alan Moore. Despite being an avid reader of comics since childhood, this one had slipped past my radar but all my comic book nerd friends were all ranting that the movie was going to come out and ruin it so I’d better read the real version first.

I read it, and was blown away.

I AM ABOUT TO SPOIL EVERYTHING. DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE COMIC OR SEEN THE MOVIE.

NO, SERIOUSLY. DO NOT READ FURTHER. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

OK, I trust all of you reading now know the entire plot. Now I can discuss why this story makes me titter (evilly) with excitement like a schoolgirl.

Back in the early 90’s when I was in high school, I had an issue of Dragon magazine that featured a little article for DM’s on how to play monsters with very high INT scores. The main gist of the article was that you can’t really play an ancient demon with an intellect that dwarfs any mere mortal’s. You have this limitation called the brain of a mere mortal that keeps you from doing so. It is very troublesome, but these are the limitations imposed upon us until someone develops cheat codes for humans. The way the article suggested to play such characters was kind of a new concept for me: in short, cheat. Roleplay the NPC as if he had access to knowledge he ought not to. It might be as simple as knowing parts of the PCs’ plan to stop him (and setting traps accordingly), or something as specific as knowing the fighter’s magic shield has a weakness against ice attacks.

While I can appreciate this method in terms of game mechanics, it did strike me that the players might think you’re being… well, let’s just say the more evil of you DMs out there are probably rubbing their hands together evilly thinking of the possibilities. However, this method feels a bit like being the guy who has a hammer, and to whom everything looks like a nail. It’s clumsy, the players are going to call you on it, and your only excuse is going to be “er um he is very smart and figured it out”. I bear no responsibility for injuries you receive from blunt PHB2 trauma. (However, we here at Stupid Ranger can assure you that these injuries will be very exciting and no doubt an invaluable companion to your existing PHB wounds.)

Why I Believe Alan Moore To Be A Mind Flayer

I found a much more elegant solution to this problem when I read Watchmen. If you will recall, Ozymandias is referred to as the smartest man on Earth. (I will now also refer to him as my favorite villain.) If you’ll recall what you learned in Evil 101, “hero” and “villain” are all relative. Surely he’s a bad guy because he mass murders millions of people. Right? Except he’s not doing it for money, or power, or glory. He’s doing it to distract the nations of the world from nuking each other into the stone age by faking a devastating alien invasion, saving humanity as a whole! My god, the man is basically a masterclass in Proper Villainy. I almost wept.

My favorite part, though — and this is where the whole “smartest man on Earth” bit comes back into play — is HOW he accomplishes his goals. Let’s review:

• Step 1: Neutralize those who can expose or stop you.
  The Comedian figured out what he was doing, so he got thrown out a window. Dr. Manhattan, being all superpowerful (and smart, too), needed a bit more special care. Like a decade-long plan to make him feel inhuman and isolated (enough to go hide on Mars) by giving people close to him cancer. He’s smart and patient — a deadly combination!
• Step 2: Clone the brain of a psychic and put it in a giant squid. Wait, what?
• Step 3: Teleport the squid into the middle of NYC, causing it to blow up and send out devastating psychic shockwaves, simulating a catastrophic attack by aliens.

You know, because teleportation works but living creatures blow up without Dr. Manhattan working the controls and NGGGHHHHHAAAA WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT LEAP?

I’ll tell you how. You’re the smartest guy on Earth, that’s how.

Here’s the box. And here’s outside the box, where Ozymandias is thinking. Farther than that. Keep going. I’ll tell you when to stop, just keep going. Five light-years away, and that’s how far out of the box this is.

Why is this awesome? Because he’s so smart that nobody could have seen this coming. Our poor little normal brains wouldn’t have gone there. Sure, we can try to wrap our heads around it once it’s there, but I’d be willing to bet 89% of the people who have read Watchmen paused, furrowed their brow, and had to reread that part just to make sure they weren’t going mad. (10% of the people skimmed over that part and scratched their heads on the next page when the squid was lying there in the ruins of NYC. The other 1% are supergeniuses like Ozymandias and need to be closely observed by the government.)

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I think Alan Moore is a mind flayer.

How To Be Super-Smart

How, one might ask, is this useful for DM’s trying to roleplay superintelligent NPC’s? Did I not just mention how we had measly human intelligence and cannot comprehend such plots? Well, you have a secret weapon even Ozymandias did not: you’re omnipotent in your little world. You get to make the rules. The supersmart Big Bad in your campaign can make plans that accomplish his goals but seemingly make no sense. You’ve also got another ace up your sleeve if you’re running a fantasy setting — you’ve got magic. Magic, especially at ridiculously high levels, is not obligated to make sense. Especially high level magic that the DM handwaves the details. But here’s the point. The plot doesn’t have to make perfect sense to you or to your players so long as it makes sense to your villain.

I know what you’re thinking. Didn’t you just talk earlier about having to explain yourself to the players, and having them think you’re evil for doing this? Well, yeah. But this lets you roleplay him being smarter instead of the players simply wanting to know how he found something out. I won’t lie — this can be a uniquely frustrating experience for players. Few things make me want to kill a DM more than when “because I said so” is the reason. That’s why you use this thing sparingly and only for a purpose.

I see this as great for two purposes — the first being you’ve got players who routinely unravel your plots well before it’s time. This isn’t revenge, it’s just to keep things exciting. (Okay, it is revenge too.) The second is when you want to pull an Ozymandias, and by the time you reveal your evil plan to the PC’s, it’s 35 minutes too late. Use it as a plot device. It may seem a little hamhanded, and can be if misused, but if you plan to use it beforehand and weave it into your storyline, it can be a story-building tool instead of a bulldozer to push your players where you want them.

And The Movie???….

I saw the Watchmen movie last week and thought it was absolutely fantastic and (with one notable exception) very faithful to the book. I give it a 9 out of 10, and that 1 is just because I love the squid so much. The new evil plan that makes more sense is boring by comparison. But what wouldn’t be?

Until next time…… <evil laughter of squids>